


cigarette smoke

by 1ho



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Cigarettes, I'm so sorry, Implied mental illness, M/M, NOT set in the all in au (despite the pairing and the angst), Self-Harm, honestly the longer this is up the more i want to delete it, minhyuk is a sad bean, this is kinda personal tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-02
Packaged: 2018-07-11 20:02:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7068019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1ho/pseuds/1ho
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Minhyuk's smile doesn't reach his eyes. Hyungwon slowly discovers why.<br/> (Hyungwon hopes, somewhere between their conversations on the rooftop, Minhyuk will find peace.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	cigarette smoke

**Author's Note:**

> i’ll be honest. i’m scared, posting this. pieces of this fic are very personal and very real to me, and i’m the type of person who hates revealing the more vulnerable parts of who i am. then, i figured, i’m posting this over the internet. people don’t really know who i am, nor do they know which segments of this fic i relate to or even from what perspective i connect to those segments. so here i am, posting this, still terrified, but hoping that you guys end up enjoying it.

Minhyuk's laughter rings like a bell and emanates warmth, wrapping around everyone like a blanket. Eager words flow from between his lips, forming entertaining stories and jokes for everyone to enjoy. The way Minhyuk brings a smile to everyone's faces and heats up their insides seems effortless.

After a while, the cheerful white haired boy stands up.

"I'm going for a walk."

Everyone nods and tells him to go ahead. Hyungwon thinks he catches a glimpse of something melancholy in Minhyuk's eyes, but it flashes by so quickly he dismisses it as a trick of the light.

Minhyuk returns later chewing gum and smelling strongly of cologne. No one notices the difference except Hyungwon, but Hyungwon doesn't know what to make of it and decides to drop the matter entirely at Minhyuk's bright smile.

—

They're all in the living room, enjoying each others' company during a rare moment of peace in their busy schedules. Hyungwon and Minhyuk squeeze together in one seat, and Changkyun does something that makes them both burst into loud laughter. In his laughing fit, Hyungwon slaps Minhyuk's thigh. Minhyuk winces, his face displaying an expression of pain too extreme for such a soft slap, before quickly regaining his composure and hitting Hyungwon playfully on the shoulder.

"Hey! Don't hit so hard!"

Hyungwon retorts with a comment about Minhyuk being a wimp, and they all laugh it off.

—

The streets are littered with smokers and Kihyun hates it. He launches into a rant about the shittiness of secondhand smoke and how it'll ruin his vocal chords, emphasizing how important it is for him to preserve his voice as the _main vocal_ of the group. Some of the members laugh at Kihyun's frustration, as they usually do, while others mutter agreements under their breath.

Hyungwon thinks he sees Minhyuk inhale deeply and look at a cigarette longingly, but he decides he must've imagined it when Minhyuk's lips stretch into a grin and he's laughing at Kihyun again.

—

Minhyuk's nimble fingers flick the end of the cigarette, removing the excess ash before bringing it to his lips and taking another drag. There's a freedom to the way the night air wraps around his feet and legs, dangling off the edge of the building as he squints at the skyline before him. Minhyuk's lips part and he exhales a puff of smoke. It's a fairly cold night, too cold for the thin hoodie and shorts that barely skim over Minhyuk's knees the boy's sporting, but the smoke in his lungs warms him.

The reactions of the members if they ever found out flashes through his mind; Hyunwoo's dumbfounded stare, Hoseok snatching the cigarette from between his fingers and stomping on it, Kihyun scolding him for ruining his health and his voice like that, Jooheon's anger at his carelessness, Changkyun's face setting into a steely expression, Hyungwon's -

"What the fuck?"

Speak of the devil. Minhyuk turns and is greeted by the sight of the tall modelesque man, clad in pajama pants, an oversized sweater, and a thick coat; hair sticking up in all sorts of directions as if he'd just gotten out of bed, perfect brows furrowed, and expression rearranged into one of concern.

Soft laughter escapes from between Minhyuk's lips.

"Hey, Hyungwon." Minhyuk takes another drag of his cigarette and exhales. "What brings you to the rooftop at, oh, I don't know - " Minhyuk checks his phone for the time, " - 3am?"

"Woke up hungry and headed to the kitchen to grab a bite, noticed your shoes were gone, wondered what the hell you were doing out of the dorm at this time." Minhyuk shrugs in response; seems logical enough. "So you... smoke?" Hyungwon looks bewildered as he steps closer to Minhyuk.

Minhyuk rolls his eyes. "No shit, Sherlock."

"You know how awful smoking is for your health, right?" Hyungwon starts, "And, Minhyuk, we're idols! We sing and dance for a living! Smoking is going to ruin your voice!"

Minhyuk took another drag and exhaled. "Don't care. I don't get lines anyway, Kihyun can take care of that."

Hyungwon sits next to Minhyuk, making sure to sit on the side the wind is blowing from to avoid getting facefuls of secondhand smoke. He stares intently into Minhyuk's eyes, searching. What Hyungwon finds in the eyes staring back is frighteningly empty and cold, nothing like the Minhyuk he knows and adores. Not finding the answer he seeks, Hyungwon opens his mouth to speak again.

"Why?"

"Takes away the edge." Being an idol is stressful, Hyungwon knows that, but, as far as he knows, none of the others have succumbed to smoking. Yet, there's some deeper meaning hidden in the way Minhyuk responds, something that goes beyond simple stress.

Deciding not to press matters further for the time being, Hyungwon sighs in defeat. He stays there, sat next to Minhyuk, until the latter finishes and gets up to leave. After reaching into his pocket, pulling out a stick of gum, and popping it into his mouth, Minhyuk offers a hand to Hyungwon and pulls him onto his feet.

"Don't tell anyone."

Hyungwon thinks for a moment, weighing his options. Deciding that letting someone know isn't worth the tension and strain on the dynamics of the group, Hyungwon agrees to Minhyuk's request.

"Okay."

—

Hyungwon joins Minhyuk on the rooftop for many nights after that. There's a jarring contrast between the way Minhyuk acts around people and the way he acts when it's just the two of them, late at night, accompanied by cigarette smoke, the lights of the city, and occasionally a few bottles of alcohol.

Around people, Minhyuk is pure, unadulterated sunshine, bright enough to lift anyone's mood and seemingly untainted by the horrors of the world. He talks and talks, leaving no room for sadness or boredom to fill the gaps.

Alone, there's an aura of deep despondency that clings onto Minhyuk and the air around him seems to drop to subzero temperatures. He's nearly silent, leaving the frigid night air to seep into his bones.

It takes a while for anything more than vague comments to escape Minhyuk's lips, and Hyungwon never pushes Minhyuk to say anything he doesn't want to. As curious as Hyungwon is, he never wants to make Minhyuk feel uncomfortable.

When Minhyuk does finally open up, it feels like a volcanic eruption.

"You know what hurts?" Minhyuk says as he presses the cigarette stub in his hand into the edge of the building, effectively putting it out, and takes a swig out of the bottle of soju placed beside him. Rather than light another cigarette like he usually does, he stares at his feet, face devoid of emotion but eyes holding some kind of deep pain Hyungwon can't even begin to fathom.

"What?" Hyungwon asks gently, not wanting to press Minhyuk for answers and make him share something he doesn't want to reveal. But Hyungwon's body betrays his curiosity; he leans in closer, staring steadily at Minhyuk, eager for some sort of answer to the questions burning in his mind.

"Caring." Minhyuk sighs. "Especially when you realize you care about people more than they'll ever care about you."

The words hit Hyungwon like a freight train, but Minhyuk looks as if he has more to say, so Hyungwon keeps his lips sealed and waits for Minhyuk to continue.

"You know, when I went home to pack up some things to bring to the dorm right before our debut, I found some old notebooks from elementary school." Minhyuk took a deep breath. "I used to be so happy, Hyungwon. Now I... now I'm so sad all the time and I cover it up by slapping a smile on my face and talking about anything and everything but my feelings to hide it."

Minhyuk takes a moment to calm his ragged breathing and take another swig of soju, then continues.

"In those notebooks, I kept writing that it'd be a good day just because I'd get to see a friend. I was a weird kid, so there were maybe about three friends I had over the years, total. That didn't matter to me though, I was so happy to have friends at all. I drew pictures of me with my friends and kept writing about every little thing I did with them. I was so grateful and so happy. I even wrote that I'd die for them if need be."

Minhyuk takes a deep breath and looks up from his shoes, surprised that Hyungwon is looking at him so attentively and seems genuinely concerned.

"Sometimes I think that if... _certain things_ weren't a reality, I'd still be like that now. Don't get me wrong, I love you and all the other members and I'm so appreciative of you all, but I'm just... I'm so sad and so lonely. I feel like I always care so much more than everyone else; it's always me initiating the hugs, bringing a smile to everyone's faces, talking to fill the silence. And, I mean, I love doing that for you guys, it's just... it's just sometimes I can't help feeling like I'm putting forth all this effort but no one even cares."

Minhyuk looks back down at his shoes.

"Then I start feeling unreasonable. Why should people care about me? What makes me important? I'm annoying and I talk too much, plus I'm overly clingy. I hide behind smiles and bottle everything up, but once you get to know me well I'm so moody and I'll probably explode one day, leaving the debris of my negative emotions behind. It's selfish of me to want people to care."

Hyungwon places his hand over Minhyuk's, causing Minhyuk to look back up at Hyungwon and make eye contact. Minhyuk's eyes are glistening with tears, threatening to spill over, whilst Hyungwon's are laced with concern and hurt over Minhyuk's suffering. Hyungwon is trying his hardest to be a pillar for Minhyuk; Minhyuk is always so strong for everyone else, and Hyungwon wants to be strong for Minhyuk when he needs it.

"I care about you, Minhyuk. I care about you so much. And the other members do too, I'm sure of it." Hyungwon pulls Minhyuk into a hug, rubbing circles into his back in an attempt to comfort him. Minhyuk winces slightly when his thigh rubs against the ledge, but brings his expression back under control before Hyungwon notices. "You're important. You matter. You're so bright and selfless and you light up everyone's lives; we all need you and we care about you." Minhyuk starts sobbing quietly into the crook of Hyungwon's neck, Hyungwon simply tightens his hug. "We all appreciate you so much too. Your laughs and the things you say can always lift anyone's mood. You're so incredibly important. Whenever you feel like this, you can always come to me. I'll always be here for you, Minhyukkie."

Minhyuk falls asleep crying softly into Hyungwon's shoulder while listening to Hyungwon's encouraging words. When Hyungwon notices Minhyuk's breathing even and the crying stop, he gently presses his lips to Minhyuk's forehead. He finally allows himself to relax and lets out a choked sob.

"I care about you more than you'll ever know."

—

Minhyuk opens up to Hyungwon more often after that, letting out all the things he's pent up. Hyungwon never ceases to be there for Minhyuk and to comfort the boy. Sometimes, Minhyuk rubs his legs gently and looks physically pained, but Hyungwon doesn't press matters. If Minhyuk wants to talk about it, he will, and if he doesn't, it's not Hyungwon's place to push.

Outside of their conversations on the rooftop late at night, no one else suspects a thing. Sometimes, it astounds Hyungwon just how good Minhyuk is at acting like the happy, eternally positive person everyone believes he is. Minhyuk has a smile that nearly makes Hyungwon forget his suffering.

—

"You know, I really like you." The stench of soju and cigarettes is heavy in Minhyuk's breath and his white hair reflects the city lights at night. Hyungwon attempts to stop himself from wrinkling his nose in disgust at the smell and instead focuses on how beautiful Minhyuk looks, and settles on chuckling at Minhyuk's comment.

"I really like you too, Minhyukkie." Minhyuk frowns.

"No, Hyungwon, I mean like, I really _like_ like you." Hyungwon freezes. After a while, he carefully opens his mouth to speak again.

"That's just the alcohol talking." Minhyuk looks visibly upset at Hyungwon's comment.

"No, Hyungwon! You don't get it! You're so great, you're always there for me and you're so nice to me even though I don't deserve it. You make me feel better and there's this weird fluttery thing my heart does when I see you. I really like you. I didn't want to bring this up because I didn't want to push you away but right now you look so stupidly good with the city lights illuminating your face." Hyungwon's frozen in place, unsure of what to say. Minhyuk scans over his face before continuing. "And your lips look so, so soft."

Before Hyungwon knows it, Minhyuk's lips collide with his own and he's being kissed with a passion he doesn't expect. Minhyuk tastes so strongly of alcohol and cigarettes that Hyungwon, on impulse, pulls away. The action seems to sober Minhyuk up and he suddenly turns bright red.

"Oh my god. I'm so sorry." Minhyuk stands up and rushes away before Hyungwon has the chance to stop him or let him know that it's okay, and that Hyungwon likes him back.

For the next few hours, Minhyuk lay wide awake in his bed, thinking through what he's done and regretting every moment of it, while Hyungwon remains on the rooftop, touching his lips and savoring the feeling, despite hating the taste.

—

On the outside and to everyone else, Minhyuk seems as happy as ever, but Hyungwon knows better.

The next few nights on the rooftop are spent in silence. Hyungwon's not sure what to say, and Minhyuk's closed himself off again. His thighs seem to pain him more, and Hyungwon doesn't know what to make of it.

—

Hyungwon sighs.

"I'm worried about you." Minhyuk laughs bitterly at the comment, causing Hyungwon's face to contort into a frown. "No, I mean it. I care about you."

"Not the way I want you to care about me." Minhyuk says with a bitter smile tarnishing his features.

"Minhyu - "

"Stop. I don't want to hear it." Minhyuk stands up and is about to leave, but Hyungwon grabs his wrist. Minhyuk spins around, expression exuding anger, but Hyungwon quickly closes the gap between them and presses his lips to Minhyuk's. This time, the taste of cigarettes still lingers heavily in Minhyuk's mouth, but Hyungwon ignores it. He cares too much for the taste of smoke to stop him.

When he pulls away, Minhyuk looks confused and hurt.

"Are you trying to toy with my feelings? Is this some kind of sick joke?" Minhyuk's on the verge of tears, Hyungwon's heart breaks at the sight.

"Minhyuk, I never got the chance to say it that night, and I didn't know how to say it in the nights following, but I like you too. I really do."

Minhyuk's still skeptical, but he lets the tears spill over as he buries his face in Hyungwon's chest. Hyungwon kisses the top of his head and rubs soothing circles into Minhyuk's back.

"Why would you like me? I don't understand. I'm such a fucking wreck. I'm so annoying and clingy and I get sad so easily. You can do so much better. Why me?"

"Because," Hyungwon starts, "you're so strong and so compassionate. You never cease to think about everyone around you and slap on a smile regardless of how you're feeling. You push through everything and just keep going. You brighten up everyone's lives, Minhyuk. You sure brighten up mine. You don't deserve all the shit your own head puts you through. I... I really fucking like you, Lee Minhyuk. Despite all your flaws and everything you have to go through, I really fucking like you."

Minhyuk begins sobbing harder.

"You're too good to me, I don't deserve it. Thank you, Hyungwon, thank you."

The next day, when Kihyun goes to wake everyone up, he finds Minhyuk in Hyungwon's bed. No one thinks much of it, Minhyuk's very affectionate and has a habit of occasionally ending up asleep beside another member.

Everyone laughs when Minhyuk declares that Hyungwon's bed is _so_ much more comfortable than his own and he'll have to spend more time in it. It's a cover for all the times Minhyuk knows he'll go to Hyungwon for comfort in the future, but only he and Hyungwon know that.

—

Minhyuk's fingers thread through Hyungwon's hair, and Hyungwon leans forward to deepen the kisses he's placing on Minhyuk's lips. In that moment, Hyungwon thinks it's impossible to get enough of Minhyuk. It's not the first time they've made out on the rooftop, and it won't be the last.

Then, Hyungwon's fingertips brush across Minhyuk's thigh and Minhyuk involuntarily flinches. Hyungwon pulls away to look at Minhyuk, eyes filled with concern.

"What's wrong? Am I going too fast? Do you want me to stop?"

"No you're fine, I just... I wasn't expecting that." Minhyuk plasters a big grin on his face. "I'm fine." Something in his eyes makes Hyungwon question if Minhyuk's telling the truth, but he brushes it aside. It's not Hyungwon's place to pry, and Minhyuk will tell him if something's bothering him when the time's right.

"Alright then." Hyungwon reaches for the button on Minhyuk's pants, but Minhyuk grabs his wrist and stops him.

"On second thought, maybe we _are_ moving a little fast. We probably shouldn't." Minhyuk's still smiling, but his eyes betray the guilt and fear he feels. Hyungwon backs away immediately and nods.

"I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I'll wait until you're ready."

Minhyuk shoots Hyungwon an apologetic look before leaning into him.

"Thank you. You're so good to me."

—

"I... I need to show you something. I've been... I've been doing something to myself and I think you have a right to know."

Hyungwon nods, an indication for Minhyuk to continue. Minhyuk does so by rolling up his shorts.

Hyungwon's not sure how to react to the sight before him.

After he's had a moment to take everything in, Hyungwon lifts his hand and his fingers linger over the bandages covering the expanse of Minhyuk's thighs.

"May I?" Minhyuk sucks in a breath.

"It's... it's not pretty." He warns.

"None of what you feel and do to relieve yourself of those feelings is particularly pretty," Hyungwon points out, "but I'm here for you, like I always am."

Minhyuk draws in a deep breath and nods. He braces himself for Hyungwon's reaction when he sees.

Hyungwon gingerly lifts the tape off the bandages before removing them from Minhyuk's legs. They're covered with small burns, some blistering, some almost healed, and some looking quite severe. Hyungwon bites his lip to prevent himself from crying; the sight hurts him, but seeing Hyungwon break down is the last thing Minhyuk needs.

"Is this why..." Hyungwon looks for a way to phrase what he means to ask. Minhyuk finishes the question for him.

"Why I wouldn't go further than making out? Yeah." Minhyuk looks down. "Believe me, I wanted to, but I didn't want you to see this. I didn't want you to get grossed out and leave me. I... I'm not proud of this, and I was so scared to show you, but I couldn't lie and keep it a secret anymore. If it disgusts you, I totally understand. I - "

Minhyuk's thrown off guard when Hyungwon cuts him off with a kiss.

"It doesn't disgust me. It makes me sad to know that what you feel makes you want to do this to yourself, but it doesn't disgust me."

Minhyuk is on the verge of tears; Hyungwon leans in and kisses him again and again.

"I... Please excuse me if this sounds insensitive, but what have you been using to do this to yourself?"

Minhyuk looks down, refusing to meet Hyungwon's gaze, and pulls out his lighter. Hyungwon sighs. It's no use confiscating the lighter from Minhyuk, he could easily get another, and with his smoking habits, he probably would.

"Just... try not to do it any more, alright? I know what I feel is nothing compared to what you do and I probably can't even begin to comprehend how much you must be suffering to do this to yourself, but seeing you like this hurts me. Please, if not for your own sake, try to stop doing this to yourself for mine. Next time you feel the urge to bring a lighter to your thighs, come find me instead, alright?" Minhyuk looks back up at Hyungwon and sees him trying hard to hold back tears. "I'm always here for you."

Minhyuk leans into Hyungwon and cries.

"You're too good to me. I don't deserve it." Minhyuk says. Hyungwon wraps his arms around Minhyuk and kisses the top of his head, allowing his own tears to spill over. "I love you."

Hyungwon freezes for a moment before a bittersweet smile spreads across his face.

"I love you too."

—

Hyungwon never ceases to let Minhyuk know how much he cares, whether it's verbally, through little touches, or through kisses. Gradually, cigarettes and alcohol stop joining the two on the rooftop at night, and the angry red burns on Minhyuk's thighs fade entirely to scar tissue of soft pinks and whites.

**Author's Note:**

> i’m sorry for making happy bean minhyuk sad, please don’t hate me.


End file.
